I won’t lie, prior to losing my son on 6th October, 2020, I never conceived the idea that I would ever experience stillbirth. I had heard of distant stories of women losing their infants through miscarriages and stillbirths but it somehow never occurred to me that I could be like them. In a weird way, I thought it was normal and easy – get pregnant, go to labor and have a healthy baby.

Well, a lot changed after losing my son. The perception that having a healthy, alive baby was as easy as going to the grocery store and coming back took a paradigm shift. I was ushered into a new world where many women had undergone child loss. It was not the same again. I would see a pregnant woman walk past me and silently, I would offer my prayers for her and her baby. Not because she had any issues but because I now understood the burden that many women bore silently during pregnancy and post-partum journey.

Depression was never far away – it was reaching out fervently. Coming back home to his clothes and all the stuff we had bought with my husband was cruel and agonizing. Having to pump out breast milk for it to be thrown away was daunting. The days that followed suit when I chose to go for walks and people awkwardly and constantly asking “How is the baby?” “Is it a boy or a girl?” “Who is taking care of the baby? Aren’t you supposed to be nursing?”. It was even more difficult when some brought gifts.

Having to explain the situation over and over again would only bring a runway of tears. I would think that maybe if I had slept a certain way, not done my house chores or just done something different that he would have been alive. I blamed myself, the doctors and anything I perceived could have led to the death of our son. I hated anything and everything that reminded me of him – whether it was a mother holding their son in the grocery store or movies that showed women delivering healthy babies. It was a nightmare.

Many women lose their babies through stillbirths and miscarriages. What is more shocking, unlike me who has lost one infant, several women have lost even more than one baby. And I ask myself do I even have the right to compare my story to that of the many resilient women who do not even speak forth of their stories. Depression, anxiety and PTSD are the common mental issues that such mothers face. Having to deal with the situation of not carrying your child around while many others do so is mental torture. You want to be happy for all those who have healthy babies but one cannot escape from the voice in the head constantly whispering, “that could have been my baby” or “my baby would have been 3, 6 or 12 months now” or “why did my baby die and others lived?”

I must acknowledge it was not easy for me to accept our son’s death but I had to live on and hope that God would bless me with other healthy and alive babies. Thus, in my road to acceptance I focused on the two elements listed below to help me cope during this difficult time and hope they can help any mother facing the same.

1.Divert your attention as much as possible

After losing our baby, I sought to focus on other things in my life. I chose to start working out again, I used majority of my time watching Korean dramas and focused on my business as well. I would binge watch Korean dramas and they became an avenue to rid my mind of all negativity during my mourning period. All this was to ensure that majority of my time was not used in contemplating about the death of my son but rather on other aspects of my life that were just as important. During the mourning period, divert your attention to other areas that can keep you busy, build positivity and motivation. Look for hobbies that you like and indulge them whether it is travel, cook or read books, or open and run your business business among other things. Aligning your time and thoughts to these things would make you less likely to fall to depression.

2.Socialize with others as much as possible

While this might be difficult the first few months, it is important that you surround yourself with family or close friends. In most cases, I would recommend socializing with your partner. This involves talking about how you both feel about the loss. Embracing your pain, anger and frustration as you openly discuss the wrongs and rights of the pregnancy journey together. Your partner is the closest link to a social person, hence, by building open communication with them you can easily talk with your friends and close relatives. It is crucial that during this time you are not alone. If you are a single mum, staying close to family and friends can be really helpful. This does not necessarily translate to communicating with these persons on the subject of the loss of baby. But rather, it is having an environment that creates a point of interaction on different subjects that deviate from the latter. In most cases, you will discover that your aunties and friends have undergone the same and then they become the support group you need to share your experiences of how you felt after the loss.

Evidently, people have different coping mechanisms. Whichever you use, make sure it fosters hope and faith in you knowing that you still capable of being a mother. The two pointers are just but a few among many others but the most significant truth is that you should rid yourself of all blame. Seek to ensure that your future – alive and healthy – babies find you not as a depressed mum but a hopeful and joyous one instead. Mourning is necessary for any woman who has lost their child. Its okay to cry and weep somberly but find your strength as a mother during this period to face the future because its holds more light than the dark in the past.